I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
