It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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