where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
