Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
