I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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