dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Sorry about my life...
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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