Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
