Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
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I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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