In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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