3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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