Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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