I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize