the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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