3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
