I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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