There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
