i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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