I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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