i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
