I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
If I die, sorry about rent.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
