she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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