what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
