I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
