I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
