woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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