Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
