just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
