i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
