Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
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I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
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Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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