i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I am full of burrito and curiosity
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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