i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.