you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.