break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
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did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
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I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.