At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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