Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize