U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
