What tipped you off? The sombrero?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
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I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
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