is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
