At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
