to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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