Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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