$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
