I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
