you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
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