Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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