the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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