Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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