so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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