I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
