be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
