My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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