Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
