kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
