so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Your cock deserves a montage
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
