My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
she told me i tasted like america
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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