im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
