Your tits are I can't wait for
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
