Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
