she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
