drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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