'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
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