We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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