Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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