Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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